an hour and a half til the new year

and I am already ready to go to bed. Goodbye 2009 hello 2010. 2009 had a lot of ups and downs, two friends of mine died very young. RIP James Hawkins you suffering is over. Mohamed Said i will miss your friendship and honesty. I always told you to be careful on that bike. :( My father's first daughter also died a few months ago; i'm sad that we weren't closer. All I know is they all will forever be missed. Nicholas and I finally made it official Feb 13, 2009 after 6 years off and on, and marriage is hard work, you have to work at it day in and day out and never loose sight of the reason you got married. Very trying times. Both my parents went through back surgery and me and my eldest sister had a falling out and I haven't spoken with her sine Feb. Unfortunately there are people in your life that you have to love from afar. She is one of them. 2010 is a new sheet of paper to start a new chapter in life. Nicholas is going off to fight for our country and Jordyn and I will be moving back to California while he is gone and I plan to keeping myself and our daughter very busy so the time flys by. I'm not making resolutions for the new year, but I am setting personal goals.

1. Master Cleanse for 40 to detox my body and learn more self discipline and pretty much re-wire my mind. my body and my soul.
2. Eat a lot healthier, I am going to try a semi raw food diet to manage my weight.
3. Cardio 30 mins in the morning and 30 mins before bed 3-5 times a week.
4. Get back on my photography grind, i have neglected Zebra Stripes for far too long.
5. I plan on learning how to sew bedding and curtains.
6. I plan on learning how to express my feelings through canvass and paint.
7. I will take a few little vacations to Vegas, DMV, LA and Sacramento during the summer.
8. I will enroll in the Esthetics's course at the local college, i am completely burned out with patient care.
9. I will enroll Jordyn in some type of dance or gymnastics class to keep her occupied and exert her high levels of energy in positive ways.
10. I will spend as much time as I can with our family and friends before we are PCS to our next duty station.

in 2010 3 of my friends are getting married 3 are currently pregnant and I will have a niece or nephew in April and Jordyn will have another God sister.

I just have to hold it together on the home front until he comes home. Out with the old and in with the new.

Brothers

I just finished watching Brothers online at www.davidmovie.com and I will admit that it was not the best idea that I have had in a while. The movie is very deep and it moved me to tears, body slammed me to my core, I cried so hard I worked myself up into a panic attack. I had to take an Ativan to calm down. It's been about an hour since I finished it and the tears keep falling. I don't even know why I am crying so hard and for this long at that. Well, I do know, it is out of fear. I am scared shitless! I'm scared that he will leave Jordyn and I as Nicholas Joshua Renfrow the husband, the father, the uncle, the son and return as a total stranger. In the movie the main character was at war in Afghanistan and the chopper they were riding in crashed, he and another soldier survived. Since their bodies weren't recovered they told their families that they had died in combat. They went through the funeral and all the motions and emotions that one goes through while grieving the loss of a loved one only for his wife to get a telephone call saying that her husband was not killed in combat and he was alive and coming home. The Captin in the movie advised the private while they were POW to not give up any information, as they learn in training. He cracked and told. The Afghanistan refugees pretty much forced the Captin to kill the private. They gave him a metal pole and told the Captin to kill him. If he didn't kill the private they would kill him. So the fight or flight- kill or be killed kicked in and he did, he killed one of his own men. That was one of the worse scenes I've ever seen in a movie. Not because it was too graphic or anything but that could be my husband who had to chose his life over his buddies, just to get back home to myself and Jordyn. The inner turmoil just brewed from then on, he came back home as a total different person, a stranger to his family. Withdrawn and cold, short tempered, paranoid. He eventually lost it.

My mother had to deal with my fathers PTSD and some of the scenes in the movie took me back to my own up bringing. Even though the measures were not as drastic I could still relate to their two daughters and their feelings. Now having to relate to his wife is something that I am not ready for. Whenever life get to be too much, I run. I always run. Deployment will be here before we know it and I am not ready. Mentally, Physically or Emotionally.

The hubs just came home from work, I'm a mess. He knows something is up but I don't want him to worry about me worrying about him.

STFU! K Thanks :)

My sister in law calls me yesterday and started off the conversation like this, "So, when are you going to tell everybody?" I'm confused so I'm like "ughmm tell everyone about what?" She had the nerve to say "That you're pregnant!" I felt like hanging up on her. She is not the only one that asks me that, all the time! It is getting beyond annoying. Just because Nicholas got married and were no longer living out of wedlock and he is in the Army does not mean that I am going to be popping out babies left and right! No thank you. My mother says that Jordyn needs to have siblings to grow up with. I tell her I have lots of friends that grew up as only children and they turned out just fine! Beside, I have 10 nieces and nephews. Jordyn has ENOUGH cousins to fill that sibling spot, she will be fine. Yes, I have my days when I want another baby, I will actually put a lot of thought into it, I even have names picked out for boys and girls, I wonder if he or she would look more like Nick or myself, or just like Jordyn. A few days pass and I'm completely over it for another month or so, or until I see the cutest little baby. I have my reason's and I wish people we respect that. I was never planning on having any children because I saw my older sister have my nephew at 18 and it was not an easy job, she always left me to babysit him and I love him to pieces but I kind of resented the thought after that. And not to mention that I was an extremely selfish person, I had plans, there were things I wanted to do with my life and that did not include children. I never felt like the mother type. I never remember playing with dolls and Barbies, it just wasn't my thing, you could always find me climbing trees with the neighborhood boys or fighting.

My husband wants more kids,like now, and as much as I want to do it for him, I already know how it is going to play out, the proof is already in the pudding with Jordyn. I just don't want to feel as though I am stuck like I felt in the past, when I was raising Jordyn on my own while we were on again off again. It is a horrible feeling. I did get pregnant twice after we had Jordyn, once when she was 16 months and when she was 2 years old. The first pregnancy after Jordyn was a Molar Pregnancy which basically means that somewhere along the line during osmosis and the splitting and fusion of the cells they started to cluster on top of one another. Yes, my pregnancy test came back positive but over night I went from being a few weeks pregnant to measuring about 4 months. I went for a ultra sound and all it was, was a mass in a sack with way too much fluid to be a few weeks along. I was scheduled for a D&C a few days later. I remember Nick telling me that it was all my fault that the baby was formed right because I was out drinking and partying when I didn't even know I was pregnant, he was so angry. Completely different reaction than he had when I told him I was pregnant with Jordyn and he was all for abortion. Even after the doctor explained to him that it is rare, but it does happen, there was nothing that I did to cause it, he was still upset for a few days. With the Molar Pregnancy I started for form cancer cells in my uterus and my hormone levels were still reading as if I were pregnant. So for a year once a month I had to be monitored, poked and tortured. I got pregnant again and during that time and was told that the extra blood flow you get while your pregnant was feeding the cells they were growing and clustering around the fetal sack. I had a choice to make, try and move forward with the pregnancy with high chances of miscarrying at any time and loosing a lot of blood and possibly bleeding to death or abort the the pregnancy get an biopsy done another D&C. It was clear to me that I needed to be around to take care of Jordyn, that was just a chance I could not take. They were able to recover the cells and my hormone levels have been back to normal for a little over three years. From then on out I have been scared shitless. I went and got the Mirena IUD birth control put in, because it seems as though every time Nicholas and I do mate we procreate. I have been on the BC for 3 years, I have 2 more years before I have to take it out or insert a new one. I most likely will insert a new one. Nicholas wants a boy so bad, and he got a tomboy in a tu tu. If I knew for sure that we were having a boy from day one I think I would do it. But there are no guarantees in life. So for right now one child is enough for me. I honestly don't have the patience for more than one, Jordyn most definitely gives me a run for my money. I hate feeling overwhelmed and like I have no control over my life. I know my limits and how much I can take. I feel so bad when I see young girls not even women who have all these young children and they look so ran down and tired and like they are going to cry or snap at any moment. Especially Military wives who have to do it all on their own basically. That just a roller coaster ride that I would not like to take personally.

If I were to get pregnant while on the Mirena than it is meant to be, but until then if then ever presents its self it is going to be just the three of us.

cuddling.

JoJo and I are in my bed cuddling and sippin on some hot apple spice cider, it is sooo good. First we watched Goonies and now we are watching Pee Wee's Big Adventure and she love it. Nick went to go play pool with his friends that he has to take to the airport in the morning so they can go to Cancun for the rest of their leave. It used to bother me a lot that he hung out with his friends, going to the bar, playing poker, and pool and he'd leave Jordyn at home alone. But now that I think about it, those are his battle buddies and they will be at war together so Im all about this bonding time. I haven't met any other military wives that I have much in common with or any friends in the area. I kind of keep to myself. I have a handful of really good friends back home that have been to tell and back with eachother. I can't wait to get back to them because one of my besties bean just found out that she is pregnant and her man proposed to her on Christmas Day! I am going to be busy busy busy being a brides maid and helping plan the wedding, and baby shower, bach party and engagement party :) I miss my friends some times almost to tears. Ily Bean, Mona, Rae, and Ness, I will see you ladies soon!

Merry Christmas :))

Omg, I am so glad to finally be in bed laying down. I woke up at 7ish and put the Ham in the oven, we opened gifts... well Jordyn did most of them were for her as it should be. That took about an hour, she is one blessed child. I cooked for about 5 hours and was done by 3 but we didnt eat til about six because Nick fell asleep on us. We had honey glazed ham, candied yams, home made mac n cheese, collard greens, green beans and bacon, baked beans with ground beef, loaded mashed potatoes, deviled eggs and dinner croissants.  I have no idea when I became all domesticated. Before I got married, me and cooking never went in the same sentence. It was nice to cook for my family and  now I have a greater appreciation for my mother and her cooking big meals for the holidays. I am pooped. I had to break it down to Nick like this today cause the whole situation is bothering me seriously. I told him in 10 days he will be going to JRTC for 30 days, when he gets back around the 5th of February he will be home for a few days before Jordyn goes to South Carolina to visit his Mother and Stepdad for two weeks before we move back to California. This will also give us a chance to do something for our one year wedding Anniversary February 13th, and have her out of the way while we pack up the house and get everything into storage. When she returns we will have one week before Jordyn and I fly back to California on February 28th. He still doesn't know when his max/block leave starts in March. But it is for two weeks so they say. I'm thinking it would be the First and Second week of March which will give them two weeks before deployment, Right? I tell him I think that February should be the last month that he pays for rent, and he starts huffing and puffing about us going back to California and him not having anywhere to stay? Hello, excuse me you will be in California for two weeks why would you want to pay rent, water and electricity for a month only to stay in a house with no furniture for 2 weeks. He can stay on base in the barraks! A lot of his single friends stay off base instead of in their rooms, he even has a friend who has two other roomies that live with him and his wife and they are all deploying with the same company. He is always complaining about money, but does nothing to save money. That irritated the shit out of me, i just had to walk away because I didn't want to ruin the day by going off on him. Little does he know I will be in contact with our landlord at the first of the month and let her know we wont be able to stay til the end of our lease in May, we signed a Military Clause and her and her husband are also military they will understand. I know my husband really well, I let him hoop and holler and make himself look like a complete idiot and then a few days later he will see it my way and get to apologizing. He always wants to be in control and he always wants to have the say. He never was like that until he joined the Army, before then I was supporting our family, so now I guess he needs to feel like a MAN. Whatever, I'm rambling. And getting upset just thinking about some of the dumb stuff that leaves his mouth.

Christmas Eve

I have some food to prep, last minute cleaning to do and Jordyn and I are going to bake Santa Clause some Reindeer cookies before her bed time, if I can get her to go to bed at all tonight. Last night I had to wash, condition, blow dry, and flat iron her hair, she also wanted green nails with glitter. I had to get it done because last night because I knew I wouldn't have time today.





Sometimes I wounder if I am the only person who has to go to sleep with music on, or the television. My sister's and I used to do that when we were younger. Anyway after I couldn't go back to sleep when Nicks alarm went off for work I turned on my itunes and went into RIM sleep for a few hours. Out of nowhere a song played and it woke me up, I was alert and really listening to the words. The song was Distance & Time by Alicia Keys of her new cd The Element of Freedom.


"You are always on my mind
All I do is count the days
Where are you now?

I know I never let you down
I will never go away

I really wish that you'd stay but what can we do
All the days that you've been gone I dreamed about you
And I anticipate the day that you will come home, home, home

No matter how far you are
No matter how long it takes him
Through distance and time
I'll be waiting

And if you have to walk a million miles
I'll wait a million days to see you smile
Distance and time, I'll be waiting

Distance and time, I'll be waiting
Will you take a train, to meet me where I am
Are you on your way?
I will never do anything to hurt you
I'll never live without you

I really wish that you would stay but what can we do
All the days that you've been gone I dreamed about you
And I anticipate the day that you will come home, home, home

No matter how far you are
No matter how long it takes him
Distance and time, I'll be waiting
And if you have to walk a million miles
I'll wait a million days to see you smile
Distance and time
I'll be waiting

No matter how far you are
No matter how long it takes him
Distance and time, I'll be waiting
And you can walk a million miles
I'll wait a million days to see you smile
Through distance and time, I'll be waiting

Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh

I'll be waiting
I'll be waiting
Through distance and time
I'll be waiting

You are always on my mind
All I do is count the days
Where are you now?"




I think I replayed it two or three times, its a  beautiful song. I cried. I have a feeling I am going to play it a lot when he is gone. It's only when I stop moving when the deployment starts to get to me. This is why everyone who has been through it says keep yourself busy. I think I am going to ask the DJ to play this song at Nicholas' Going Away Party I'm going to throw him, since we had a very small wedding at my Mothers church and never did get that first dance as husband and wife.

I dislike half days

Nicholas is only working half days because he didn't take leave and im not sure if it is that time of the month but he is annoying me, serioulsy. ughhhh. wait everything is annoying me.

Three Days Til Christmas

I woke up with a ton of energy today. It's house cleaning time. I'm doing laundry and cleaning the bathroom. Nicholas job is to clean the family room, he has his shit everywhere. XBOX games and controllers, ARMY GEAR, and whatever else he drops and I refuse to clean it up. But I know it better get done today. Everyday he says he's going to do it and another day goes by and it is not done. I feel like I'm going to through a fit about it soon. Nicks Father and Mother have been calling him and he refuses to answer the phone, and I have no idea why. Maybe because his mother will talk your ear off forever and his dad rarely calls but to brag or bitch about something so he always says he'll call them back later or he doesn't feel like talking. They always call my phone for him, and send me emails to pass on to him and it's get annoying at times. Like wtf those are your parents talk to them geeze they miss you. My BIL Adam called last night to tell them that their Step Mother's Mother Ina is on life support again and she doesn't have much longer to live. THATS WHAT MY FATHER IN LAW HAS BEEN CALLING TO TELL HIM. Ina has 9 lives and this is her last one, she is always in the hospital for a pneumonia, she has a low immune system, she had lung cancer and COPD and is hooked up to a Oxygen tank 24 hours a day, she wheels it wherever she goes. I remember she'd still smoke with he tank running. That's how she burnt the house down a few years ago. My husband was home with her and got her out safely but there was not much to save after the fire. I just think that it is her time, her body is tired of fighting all the time, it's time for her to rest for eternity. His step mother and I used to get along years ago but she has some nasty ways about her and I just backed off a few years ago. All of us have ( his brothers wives). I feel bad for her and I hope she pulls through it and accepts her mother will be in a better place. I think I will send her a sympathy card. I know Nick felt like a major douche bag after he got that call he looked sad then he got mad and grumpy. I just let him go through the motions on his own. It is never easy to loose someone.

For Him.

"Dear Lord,

Give me the greatness of heart to see the difference between duty and his love for me. Give me understanding that I may know, when duty calls him he must go. Give me a task to do each day, to fill the time when he's away. And Lord, when he's in a foreign land, keep him safe in your loving hand. And Lord, when duty is in the field, please protect him and be his shield. And Lord, when deployment is so long, please stay with me and keep me strong. 


Amen."

HOME ALONE :)

Nicholas isn't taking Christmas break so we are just going to have Christmas here in TN with the three of us. He is only working half days, so it's not like he is missing anything not being on leave like everyone else. Frankly right now we can't afford to go back to California for the Holidays since we are going in March. He is being smart about his leave days, he keeps racking them up!  Nick took Jordyn on a Daddy Daughter date today! I am so excited they don't do it often. I have no idea where they went and what they are doing and I can actually care less. As long as they are enjoying one another's company and I don't have to hear "Mom" or "Wife" every other minute and there isn't WWE going on in my living room I am all for it. Speaking of WWE, Nicholas and Jordyn are always rough housing. He wanted a boy so bad and got a girly tom boy. Jordyn is a boy in a tu tu! She loves to fight and hang all over her dad like he is her personal play yard. Some times it is cute and others it gets to be too much because I HATE noise. We also live on the second floor and I am always telling them to keep it down and be mindful of our neighbors downstairs. I am surprised they have yet to cuss us out. Yesterday Jordyn grabbed her dads XBOX controller while it was on pause or something and tried to run, he tackled her; held her in the air and slammed her on the couch (she loves it) but the controller hit her in the forehead! It started swelling up and turning blue-ish purple-ish. she didn't even cry. The first thing that came out my mouth was "Nicholas I have to take her picture in front of the Christmas Tree in 4 days!" Rudolph has a red nose NOT a Qwazi Moto bump on his forehead too! It has gone down a lot today and there isn't too much discoloration, so her Reindeer photo should still turn out okay.  I met a really nice Army Wife named Martha on Facebook we have been messaging a lot. She is giving me all kinds of information on the base in HI and how much she loved it, so much info on housing, jobs, family things on base. NOTHING BUT GOOD THINGS. They are currently stationed in Germany and she doesn't like it soo much. She says it is a beautiful place but expensive for traveling since the Euro out weighs the American Dollar and they aren't as family oriented as HI was and there is not a lot of things to take her 2 year old son to do. She said it is most definetly a single soldiers kind of place. Nicholas re-enlists while he is deployed and wants to stay with a infintry unit. He loves being a line medic. He says Germany or HI is where he wants to re-enlist for. I was born in Germany. My mother and father were both Active Army. I don't remember it much. I would like to go back one day but maybe not so soon. It is very far from family and I don't think that Jordyn is old enough to appreciate living there or even remember it so maybe later on in my Husbands military career. I am TEAM HAWAII all the way. We shall see what happens. I just pray The Lord brings my Soldier back home in one piece and with a sane mind. I try to push the deployment out of my mind and even writing about it now I can feel the anxiety start to rise.

Life is inevitable, it is going to happen whether we want it to or not

We are approaching our first deployment and it is coming at us like a freight train with its brakes blown out. Within a matter of about 14 weeks he will be clear across the world serving our country. We knew it was going to happen and we kind of put it in the back of our minds and now it is all up in our faces. I wouldn't say that I am scared for him or afraid, I know he is capable of doing his job. I am more afraid of dealing with our four year old while he is away. Basic Training and AIT were hard times for her to deal with. She loves her some Daddy. The hardest part for me is to hear her cry for him at night, or randomly burst into tears because she misses her Daddy. I can hold it together for me and keep myself in check, I just have to make sure I can hold it together for her as well. A few months ago our marriage was very rocky from a mixture of things but recently the the fighting has stopped. Yes, we have disagreements but nothing right now compares for this pending deployment. I just had to step back and let life flow. In the past I have had real bad anxiety attacks but the past few years I have been able to talk myself down from them on my own without medication. I just had to fill my perscription because the Anxiety is building daily and I am not doing as good of a job of handling it like I used to. I know it's all mind over matter but what happens when your heart is added into the equation. I can't really explain it but it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest and I cant catch my breath and the little that I can gets caught in my throat, and I panic and I try choaking back tears and im just a mess. It sucks because they come whenever they want a lot of things lately have been sparking the attacks. I think it has a lot to do with NOT KNOWING. I cannot stand not knowing, I like to feel as though I have control over my life but in a few months that will not be the case. I don't share my thoughts with my husband because he has a lot to deal with already and I don't need to add to his worries. I have to be strong for our family. Take it one day at a time, keep busy while he is gone, continue my Faith in God and surround Jordyn & myself around lots of friends and family.