Brothers

I just finished watching Brothers online at www.davidmovie.com and I will admit that it was not the best idea that I have had in a while. The movie is very deep and it moved me to tears, body slammed me to my core, I cried so hard I worked myself up into a panic attack. I had to take an Ativan to calm down. It's been about an hour since I finished it and the tears keep falling. I don't even know why I am crying so hard and for this long at that. Well, I do know, it is out of fear. I am scared shitless! I'm scared that he will leave Jordyn and I as Nicholas Joshua Renfrow the husband, the father, the uncle, the son and return as a total stranger. In the movie the main character was at war in Afghanistan and the chopper they were riding in crashed, he and another soldier survived. Since their bodies weren't recovered they told their families that they had died in combat. They went through the funeral and all the motions and emotions that one goes through while grieving the loss of a loved one only for his wife to get a telephone call saying that her husband was not killed in combat and he was alive and coming home. The Captin in the movie advised the private while they were POW to not give up any information, as they learn in training. He cracked and told. The Afghanistan refugees pretty much forced the Captin to kill the private. They gave him a metal pole and told the Captin to kill him. If he didn't kill the private they would kill him. So the fight or flight- kill or be killed kicked in and he did, he killed one of his own men. That was one of the worse scenes I've ever seen in a movie. Not because it was too graphic or anything but that could be my husband who had to chose his life over his buddies, just to get back home to myself and Jordyn. The inner turmoil just brewed from then on, he came back home as a total different person, a stranger to his family. Withdrawn and cold, short tempered, paranoid. He eventually lost it.

My mother had to deal with my fathers PTSD and some of the scenes in the movie took me back to my own up bringing. Even though the measures were not as drastic I could still relate to their two daughters and their feelings. Now having to relate to his wife is something that I am not ready for. Whenever life get to be too much, I run. I always run. Deployment will be here before we know it and I am not ready. Mentally, Physically or Emotionally.

The hubs just came home from work, I'm a mess. He knows something is up but I don't want him to worry about me worrying about him.